Posts Tagged ‘fat and unhappy’

I recently began attending a man class held at a local church. The developing lesson is related to a wound brought upon us as children. This wound, which is most likely given to you by your father, affects you in all aspects of your life even if you are no longer aware that you carry it within you. The premise is that your relationship with your heavenly father is directly related to your relationship with your earthly father. Honestly I have never looked at it that way but it makes perfect sense. If you are hurt, damaged and/or guarded in life because of pain and/or abandonment brought upon you by your father or mother for that matter you are going to be guarded with god as well.

Personal Reflection:

I rarely talk with anyone about my childhood. If I do it is brief and I make light of the details. I don’t openly admit how bad things were and I have spent so many years avoiding and just not thinking about it that now it is almost hard to remember. My memories seem to be more like some old movies I watched years ago. There is no real personal connection to them. The fact is, if I am being honest with myself. There is no real connection to anything in my life. I have gone through life telling myself that I am strong and that my past does not equal my future. Telling myself that I can overcome obstacles that most cannot and then unconsciously throwing myself into the fire just to prove it. When my life would start to unravel in some way or life would deliver a blow that would cause most to grieve I would coke it back and put my head up, burying the wound as deep within as it would go. I would keep moving forward, never looking back, all the while not realizing that my past was collapsing the walls all around me. All I have really been doing is running away staying one step ahead of these walls falling in on top of me and crushing my soul. I have spent most of my life not even realizing that I was leaving a trail of undealt with destruction behind me. I have literally be running from everything including myself. My “wounds” have kept me from being comfortable in my own skin and living my life. My “wounds” have kept me from making a connection on any real level. My “wounds” have been my barrier between myself and my god.

When I Pray:

I didn’t take me long to realize the truth in the lesson. My inability to connect has directly affected my relationship with god. I do talk to god from time to time. I have throughout my life. But if I am being honest with myself even when I close my eyes to pray I never really commit and I am definitely not connecting. The realization, the look in the mirror, is both settling and unsettling all in the same moment. There is a certain peace in knowing that god is laying out the path that I must walk before me but I am in no way looking forward to the journey. I know that in the end I will emerge better for it but I am well aware of the demons that lay in wait.

To be continued…

I am a 39 very soon to be 40-year-old over grown child.  I have a wife and two incredible boys.  Right at the moment I am over weight and broke.  A few years ago I had a successful business and “A LOT” of money.  I had everything I thought I wanted but I did not have peace.  Like most of us I have been affected by the economy but I am also a product of a turbulent marriage and complete and total self-destruction.  I have endeavored to write here in a public forum more to be accountable to myself than anything, you see I want to change my destructive habits and relationships in the worst way and to reconcile my relationship with god.  I figure. No, I hope that by putting myself out there I will be forced to continue on my journey and not fall back into my self-defeating and self-destructive ways.

At the moment I am struggling with my wounds given to me in childhood and carried with me throughout my life.  I am struggling with god and his place in my life.  I am endeavoring to change myself for me, my wife and children.  I have to live my life.  I have to live it!  I can no longer hide behind my mask, and my walls built so many years ago.  They are like a poison that erodes everything I build.

My childhood was turbulent.  A subject that I am sure I will touch on down the road. Because of the turbulence and the issues I had within my home I would have extended stays with my grandparents.  I was influenced by my grandmother who had a strong relationship with god. When I shared time with her god was always present.  As a young adult I came to a fork in the road.  The same fork in the road that we all come to at one point or another.   I struggled with the demons of my childhood and closed myself off to god.  I of course picked the road most traveled, the road that led to selfish endeavors, more demons and bigger wounds.

I am finding more and more that I have to heal the old wounds in order to get back on my feet and stay on my feet.   It is becoming evident that this journey is leading me back to religion, I am being pulled back to god.  Honestly, I struggle with this.  I struggle with religion and it’s place in my life.  In a nut shell I am battling with myself and wrestling with god.

As I mentioned above, I am writing here to be accountable.  But I am also writing here to grow, and to digest the steps I am taking in my journey.  To reconcile the demons within and to tear down the walls that hold my back.  I am writing in an effort to find god.  Not only do I need to find salvation but I need to find a peace within me that will allow me to embrace salvation.

I am making a commitment over to write here at least once a week.  I will write about my struggles and my successes in life, business, family and of course with god.

If you stumble across this and you related or you have already found your peace make sure you say hello.