Posts Tagged ‘abuse’

I recently began attending a man class held at a local church. The developing lesson is related to a wound brought upon us as children. This wound, which is most likely given to you by your father, affects you in all aspects of your life even if you are no longer aware that you carry it within you. The premise is that your relationship with your heavenly father is directly related to your relationship with your earthly father. Honestly I have never looked at it that way but it makes perfect sense. If you are hurt, damaged and/or guarded in life because of pain and/or abandonment brought upon you by your father or mother for that matter you are going to be guarded with god as well.

Personal Reflection:

I rarely talk with anyone about my childhood. If I do it is brief and I make light of the details. I don’t openly admit how bad things were and I have spent so many years avoiding and just not thinking about it that now it is almost hard to remember. My memories seem to be more like some old movies I watched years ago. There is no real personal connection to them. The fact is, if I am being honest with myself. There is no real connection to anything in my life. I have gone through life telling myself that I am strong and that my past does not equal my future. Telling myself that I can overcome obstacles that most cannot and then unconsciously throwing myself into the fire just to prove it. When my life would start to unravel in some way or life would deliver a blow that would cause most to grieve I would coke it back and put my head up, burying the wound as deep within as it would go. I would keep moving forward, never looking back, all the while not realizing that my past was collapsing the walls all around me. All I have really been doing is running away staying one step ahead of these walls falling in on top of me and crushing my soul. I have spent most of my life not even realizing that I was leaving a trail of undealt with destruction behind me. I have literally be running from everything including myself. My “wounds” have kept me from being comfortable in my own skin and living my life. My “wounds” have kept me from making a connection on any real level. My “wounds” have been my barrier between myself and my god.

When I Pray:

I didn’t take me long to realize the truth in the lesson. My inability to connect has directly affected my relationship with god. I do talk to god from time to time. I have throughout my life. But if I am being honest with myself even when I close my eyes to pray I never really commit and I am definitely not connecting. The realization, the look in the mirror, is both settling and unsettling all in the same moment. There is a certain peace in knowing that god is laying out the path that I must walk before me but I am in no way looking forward to the journey. I know that in the end I will emerge better for it but I am well aware of the demons that lay in wait.

To be continued…