Battling myself, wrestling with god.

Posted: January 31, 2013 in Wrestling with GOD
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I am a 39 very soon to be 40-year-old over grown child.  I have a wife and two incredible boys.  Right at the moment I am over weight and broke.  A few years ago I had a successful business and “A LOT” of money.  I had everything I thought I wanted but I did not have peace.  Like most of us I have been affected by the economy but I am also a product of a turbulent marriage and complete and total self-destruction.  I have endeavored to write here in a public forum more to be accountable to myself than anything, you see I want to change my destructive habits and relationships in the worst way and to reconcile my relationship with god.  I figure. No, I hope that by putting myself out there I will be forced to continue on my journey and not fall back into my self-defeating and self-destructive ways.

At the moment I am struggling with my wounds given to me in childhood and carried with me throughout my life.  I am struggling with god and his place in my life.  I am endeavoring to change myself for me, my wife and children.  I have to live my life.  I have to live it!  I can no longer hide behind my mask, and my walls built so many years ago.  They are like a poison that erodes everything I build.

My childhood was turbulent.  A subject that I am sure I will touch on down the road. Because of the turbulence and the issues I had within my home I would have extended stays with my grandparents.  I was influenced by my grandmother who had a strong relationship with god. When I shared time with her god was always present.  As a young adult I came to a fork in the road.  The same fork in the road that we all come to at one point or another.   I struggled with the demons of my childhood and closed myself off to god.  I of course picked the road most traveled, the road that led to selfish endeavors, more demons and bigger wounds.

I am finding more and more that I have to heal the old wounds in order to get back on my feet and stay on my feet.   It is becoming evident that this journey is leading me back to religion, I am being pulled back to god.  Honestly, I struggle with this.  I struggle with religion and it’s place in my life.  In a nut shell I am battling with myself and wrestling with god.

As I mentioned above, I am writing here to be accountable.  But I am also writing here to grow, and to digest the steps I am taking in my journey.  To reconcile the demons within and to tear down the walls that hold my back.  I am writing in an effort to find god.  Not only do I need to find salvation but I need to find a peace within me that will allow me to embrace salvation.

I am making a commitment over to write here at least once a week.  I will write about my struggles and my successes in life, business, family and of course with god.

If you stumble across this and you related or you have already found your peace make sure you say hello.


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